Everyone Wants to be a Big Rock Star

I don't know if I want to get to know me either.

2010-03-05T08:40:00.003-06:00

I hear more and more "I don't really know anything about Sara".. This from people I have worked with for two years. People I have know for more than that. No wonder the weight of loneliness is so heavy. I think I try at times to hang with others. Get to know them. But I usually get "I am busy with someone else" or "I dont' have time." At times I am lucky to overheard others making plans. Knowing that I am not invited. This depression it puts me in hurts. I love my family. I love my husband. My child. I know that they are there for me. I am there for them. At the same time, I wish to have friends. Am I that weird? Am I that mean? Are my morals so wrong people can't stand to be around me? I have gotten to the point where I am so uncomfortable around people now, because I get the impression they don't want to be around me. There is a poster in one of the classrooms here that says "If you want a friend, be one". I have tried that in the past. But when it comes to me needing something, the other person tends to look the other way.
Is is right for someone to be this lonely? This sad about something that may seem so trivial to everyone else? After re-reading this, no wonder no one wants to hang out with me. Get to know me. I don't know if I want to get to know me either.

Better as a Memory

2010-03-04T12:01:00.000-06:00

I move on like a sinners prayer
And letting go like a levee breaks
Walk away as if I don't care
Learn to shoulder my mistakes
Or built to fade like your favorite song
Get reckless when there's no need
Laugh as your stories ramble on
Break my heart, but it won't bleed
My only friends in books I read
That's just who I am
I'm better as a memory

Never sure when the truth won't do
And pretty good on a lonely night
Or move on the way a storm blows through
And never stay, but then again, I might.
I struggle sometimes to find the words
Always sure until I doubt
Walk a line until it blurs
Build walls too high to climb over
But I'm honest to a fault
That's just who I am
I'm better as a memory

I see you leaning, you're bound to fall
I don't want to be that mistake
I'm just a dreamer and nothing more
You should know it before it gets too late

Cause goodbyes are like a roulette wheel
You never know where they're gonna land
First you're spinning, then you're standing still
Left holding a losing hand
But one day you're gonna find someone
And right away you'll know it's true
That all of your seeking's done
It's just a part of the passing through
Right there in that moment you'll finally understand
That I was better as a memory than as your friend

Existence

2009-06-12T09:25:00.001-05:00

Existence

I am alone,
are you alone
in public with
the eyes of the world
upon you in the
corners of your mind and
the center of your heart
where you wish someone
could see to your soul
and not leave you with
the questions of
live and love
and the meaning of
your existence.

On a bed

2009-06-08T10:55:00.002-05:00

On a bed
of nails I wait
for you to
release me from
this pain that tingles
pricks and stays as
long as I don't move
just hold my breath
and pray that relief
will come
soon.

The Teacher Applicant

2009-05-26T15:12:00.002-05:00

After being interviewed by the school administration, the teaching prospect said "Let me see if I've got this right:

You want me to .... go into that room with all those kids,

1. correct their disruptive behavior,
2. observe them for signs of abuse,
3. monitor their dress habits,
4. censor their T-shirt messages,
5. and instill in them a love for learning.

You want me to....
6 - check their backpacks for weapons,
7 - wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and
8 - raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride. You want me to...
9 - teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play,
10 - how to register to vote,
11 - balance a checkbook, and
12 - apply for a job. You want me to
13 - check their heads for lice,
14 - recognize signs of anti-social behavior, and
15 - make sure that they all pass the state exams. You also want me to
16 - provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps,
17 - communicate regularly with their parents in English and Spanish by letter,
telephone, newsletter, and report card.

You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.

You want me to do all this and then tell me ..... "I CAN'T PRAY?"

2009-05-20T14:03:00.003-05:00

“Ok, here we are Mrs. Fischer. This will be your classroom.” I looked around the room. No window. Fluorescent lights. White walls. I couldn’t wait to make it my own.

I found it easy to let my imagination carry me off to what I envisioned as my future classroom. Everything there was happy and wonderful. The children’s eyes lit up when I entered the room. Disciplinary problems were limited to the most minor infractions. By the end of the year, my students (who had absorbed completely all of the brilliant literature and grammar knowledge that I had dispensed since day one) were ready to write their own book.
No, I never really believed it would be like that, but I did allow myself to nurture a distorted mental picture of my first real teaching job. I have a feeling that I am not the only new teacher to be guilty of that behavior. It is easy to let assumptions, aspirations, and expectations cloud the reality of a situation, to the detriment not only of one's ego, but also of one's effectiveness in the classroom—the first classroom of your very own. From my new perspective as a “veteran” teacher with one year of experience,perhaps I can help you to see through whatever fantasy you may be harboring! First of all, do not assume that your first teaching job will necessarily be in your specialty area, or that any prior experience will be an accurate indicator of what your own classroom will be like. I fell into both of these traps. Also remember that veteran teachers have had years cultivating and shaping their learning environment. Do not compare your classroom to others. I fell into this trap as well.
That being said I have a few steps that might help you, a new teacher, with your first year:

Step 1: Prepare the transition
When you enter a classroom as a first-year teacher, it is difficult to appreciate what a significant change you represent in the eyes of your students. It is easy to forget that, despite assumptions to the contrary, kids are often very resistant to change. I have learned that middle school students in particular, since they themselves are undergoing a whirlwind of emotional and physiological change, are very much in need of stability in their environment and relationships. I spent the first month of the school year trying to “break the ice”. Many of the 7th and 8th graders were not at all receptive to me, to my ideas, or to my expectations for their behavior. Not only were they resistant to change, they were testing me to see where my limits were. Your first year of teaching will require an amazing amount of planning, communicating with parents and other teachers, and reflection on your own teaching and your students' progress. And this is especially important to do at the beginning of the year, so if any problems arise later on, you have already established communication.

Step 2: Build a Support System
I can't imagine going through the first year of teaching alone. You will need to depend on your family, friends, and loved ones to support you, but you also need the help of those who have been through the same rite of passage that you are about to undergo. Find experienced teachers to whom you can relate. Maybe a teacher who teaches the same thing you do, or a teacher who was new like you the year before. You should also take steps to build a relationship with the administrators at your school. Take time to talk with your principal to tell him/her what goals you have for your students as well as for yourself during your first year. Discuss your struggles and your victories. You will most likely be discussing these issues anyway as part of the appraisal experience, but it is important to be open and honest with your principal about how things are going in your classroom. After all, your principal is there to help you. Also remember to take the time to get to know the teachers within your school. It’s easy to get caught up in the daily responsibilities and keep isolated in our own little world. When I was struggling and needed practical advice, someone was always there to offer it. The bottom line is, teachers need other teachers. You will learn a great deal from your colleagues, and your job will be a lot less scary if you know you have their support.
In short, having a support system will provide you with a net to catch you if you fall, and it will build you up, give you better ideas, and help you keep your challenges in perspective. Just remain humble enough to ask for help when you need it. And be willing to return a favor.

Step 4: Beg, Borrow and Steal
When you take your first teaching job, you are suddenly going to find that you need more ideas and materials than you ever have before. It is one thing to prepare a lesson plan for a class assignment or for student teaching, but facing long-term planning and short-term planning at the same time for multiple classes, all with different needs, is an entirely different situation. In your plans you will, of course, want to incorporate your own original ideas; however, it will often be helpful (and necessary) to look elsewhere for inspiration. Ask fellow teachers in your field to let you borrow books, lesson plans, anything that you can get your hands on. You will get some useful ideas from colleagues and the internet. And remember, Imitation is the most sincerest form of flattery.

Step 5: Relax and Teach
During your first year of teaching, you are likely to learn more in your classes than your students will. You are going to make mistakes, and there are going to be bad days—some of them very bad days. There are going to be times when you are simply trying to survive until the end of the class period. There's no way around it: teaching is tough. Your kids are not always going to be little angels who play well together. They will have bad days just like you. Instead you are going to be faced on a daily basis with real people who have real problems and flaws, and who have many needs intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. When things get tough, try not to be too hard on yourself. You will learn from your mistakes, and your students will give you the benefit of the doubt and a lot of second chances. Deep down, they realize that you are human, too. Though their behaviors will drive you insane at times, you will grow to care deeply for your students and you will become very proud of what they are able to accomplish. The first week and last week will be your hardest – you will hate to see them go.

So on your first day of your first year, when your first class enters the room and you're more nervous than you were on the day of your senior recital, just try to remember: Relax and Teach. Be yourself, do the best you can, and try your hardest to make sure that your students learn all that they can from their time with you. Each day will be a little easier than the one before it. The first-year experience is nothing for which anyone can truly prepare you, and it will probably be nothing like what you have imagined or assumed. You have to experience it yourself and find your own way.

Sara Fischer, ELA, Reagan MS

Wireless

2009-05-20T08:37:00.001-05:00

Wireless

Our fingers,
do the talking
as we communicate
through technology
that ease drops
on our conversations
and lets us feel
each others bodies
through the keys that
unlock the understanding
of each others needs
only to leave us begging
for more on our
knees.

Another blog

2009-05-17T16:10:00.002-05:00

I started a another blog. In this new one called "I was young once" I am sharing my journals that I kept as a teenager. Starting with the college years. They were much more interesting. Hope you enjoy.

http://iwasyoungonce.blogspot.com/

Far away for far too long

2009-05-08T08:20:00.002-05:00

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know

I love you
I've loved you all along
I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
And you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of Hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything, but I won't give up
'Cause you know

That I love you
I loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
And you'd never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

Far away for far too long

But you know
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
I love you
I loved you all along
And I forgive you
Hold on to me,and never let me go

Shame

2009-05-07T10:38:00.004-05:00

"This time I think I am to blame
It's harder to get through the days
You get older and blame turns to shame"

There are many things I have done that I am shameful for. Things that I did and afterwards thought "I can handle this" and then later felt the shame creep up. These secrets that I keep with me, that I hide away in my heart, is my shame. I don't blame anyone for my actions, I take on the blame and hope that someday this shame will turn into forgiveness. Of myself.

Things

2009-05-06T09:14:00.003-05:00

"I don’t have to worry
About things that I don’t have
Cause if I ain’t got nothing
I've got nothing to hold me back"

We buy, we buy and we buy yet most American's are still not happy. Maybe its because we feel stuck. Connected to the wrong things. I have gotten to the point in my life where I do not need a lot "stuff". Just a few things that make life a little easier. I do not want to be connected anymore to things, but to myself and people.

The money I make I would rather use to meet with friends and talk over a few beers. Or travel and visit the people that make up this world. Not things.

I am only need a few basic things - somewhere to live, love, friendship and food.

Disco Ball

2009-05-05T08:51:00.003-05:00

She Stood
On the table with a short
skirt on waiting to catch a glimpse
of her real true one that would
cast his eyes on what she
had to give but all she
found was drool on
men's chins that glistened
in the disco ball that
twirled above her as
she prayed
for it
to fall.

So far I have survived

2009-05-04T11:06:00.000-05:00

Digital Pictures

2009-04-30T13:43:00.006-05:00

I am taking a digital camera class. We had homework due on Tuesday. The teacher told us to get certain kind of shots. I love mine!

Teetor-Totter

2009-04-29T14:03:00.002-05:00

Teetor-Totter

Live dolls
Wobbling

teetor
totter
teetor
totter
up
down
up
down
un
aware
of
panties
being
shown
to
boys
tee
toring

on the brink
of puberty.

White Sheets

2009-04-28T15:27:00.001-05:00

Come,
closer to me I
can't feel your
skin between these
rough white bleached
sheets that rub our
naked bodies thin
causing a stir in
your body and leaving
a scar on my soul
because it knows
that one day you
will wake up and
go.

Almost

2009-04-28T08:11:00.003-05:00

I almost got drunk at school at 14
Where I almost made out with the homecoming king
I almost went on to be Miss Texas
But lost to a slut with much bigger breastes
I almost dropped out to move to LA
Where I was almost famous for almost a day

Not really, but isn't life full of almost. I think I am going to delete that word from my personal dictionary. Instead of almost, I am going to go for already did.

*Well, the first line is true. Snuck vodka from mom and dad and brought to school. Only to get caught by they coach. Yep,it was an almost.

Thunder

2009-04-27T10:12:00.003-05:00

There is something about thunder that is comforting. It started at 5am this morning and when I woke up (thanks to my 80lb lab jumping on the bed) I felt at ease. I think its th whole notion of staying under the covers. Staying in where its warm. Its even better if you have someone to do that with. Not just anyone though, I am thinking that it wouldn't be the same with my mother, then it would be with say - a lover.

But, its Monday and up and off Mady and I go to school. Thunder and all.

Oh, how I wish I could be under those covers.

Power

2009-04-26T15:28:00.002-05:00

Sometimes what is not said is more powerful. It can grab a person's heart and break their will. It can hurt a whole lot more than the actually words that permenate the atmosphere. Between two people. Silence leaves the mind a chance to make things up. To control the heart. To magnify any feelings.

Do not leave things unsaid. In the future you will appreciate having those words. And more importantly you will feel better for knowing that nothing was left unsaid.

Welcome to the Ledge

2009-04-24T11:18:00.001-05:00

Welcome to the Ledge

The ledge,
the highest spot
to view the world
where birds come
to rest their
tired wings and
watch her balance
her life her
choices and her
dreams as the
thrill of looking
down takes over
and for once she
feels in control
of her down
fall.

Desire

2009-04-24T08:16:00.001-05:00

Sometimes its like someone took a six-inch knife
Edgy and dull and cut a valley
Through the middle of my soul

At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet
And a freight train running through the
Middle of my head

Only you can cool my desire
Im on fire

*not really talking about anyone in particular. just thought the words were poetic in a wierd sorta way*

Waterboarding

2009-04-22T13:25:00.002-05:00

Fact - More than 270 TASER deaths in USA since 2001
source: Amnesty International

Fact - 11 people have died from Waterboarding? I can't find a sure number. Is that a consiperacy?

You have more of a chance to be killed by a taser gun from police then by waterboarding. Seems like the detainees have it better?

"The Day"

2009-04-21T13:25:00.003-05:00

Yep "the day" is coming up on May 5th. Its a Tuesday. We will be celebrating by going to work then coming home and giving Mady her bath. "The day" was such a blur. I loved my wedding. I must have because I get good feelings when I think about it. Since "the day" we lived it up every night in an apartment in the hood, we bought a house. Adopted dog. Went on fun road trips and vacations. Raised a 2 year old. With all of that, I am amazed how much he hasn't changed. I know we aren't suppose to marry a man to change them, but I figured that he would evolve with age and experience. But nope. I look at him some nights and think "that is not so cute anymore". More importantly, other days I wonder when he became so self centered and selfish. I give and give and give.

He gives and gives and gives, to himself.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-04-01T08:13:00.001-05:00

It has been awhile. Its not the best pic since it came from my cell phone.

Goal

2009-03-31T12:42:00.004-05:00

My goals for April and May -

1) Be nicer to my husband. He really has felt the brunt of my stress.
2) Start running. My friend E gave me a great website that helps you start. I can handle it. I got some great gel pads for my shoes. No excuses! Plus this is something I really want to do.
3) Teach Mady her colors. She knows her numbers, her shapes, who landed on the moon, but colors, not so much.
4) Think of an awesome powerpoint project for all my classes (I even figured out how to add a movie link into the presentation!)

Thats a good start. It feels good to have goals.

Good news

2009-03-23T13:23:00.003-05:00

Ok, I am so happy today. I almost cried. From happiness.
I teach a class called Reading Improvment. It is for kids who didn't pass the reading part of the state test last year. Well, all 5 passed it this year! All of them. They worked really hard. And for those skeptics out there, I did not teach to the test. Instead, we picked novels we wanted to read. We had long, indepth discussions about the books. I had them answer questions on the material. They wrote essays. I gave them confidence. And as a result they all passed.
I told them that if they all passed I would buy them lunch. So tomorrow we are having a little party. Wings, cupcakes, drinks. Toasting to their achievement.
Then they will be gone. They don't need my class anymore. Today they changed their schedule to an elective.
I will miss them. They made my first year of teaching very rewarding.

Being left behind

2009-03-12T11:49:00.003-05:00

I can remember the last time I had a true, do everything together friend. I miss that. These days I can count on my fingers that kind of friend. Zero. I don't blame my old friends. I blame myself. I haven't been the best at calling all the time. I haven't been the best at keeping in contact. I just expected them to do some of that. And when they didn't, I stopped. I see pictures, thanks to facebook and blogging, of my old friends doing all these fun things. Going places with their kids together. Talking about how they are going here, doing that. And I can't help feel like I have been left behind.
How does that happen? How do you change it? I made it my 2009 goal to change it. January came, and I tried. No change. All my old friends were busy. Living their new lives. I think its too late.
What makes me sad and makes me wonder is this - how come they don't call me anymore? How come I see them doing all these great things with others, and they don't think of me to do them with? I just wish they would tell me why they left me behind. Why I dont' get invited to things. Why they don't value my friendship anymore.
Hmmmm..... anymore thoughts of this and I might just become suicidal. It sucks being left behind. Plus, I don't want my daughter to grow up and think her mom is a loser because she has no friends. Which is starting to become the case.

It is going to be a very lonely year.

No meat please

2009-02-26T08:26:00.003-06:00

I have decided it is time to start going to a gym. I just can't do it by walking. I need the weights. I need the motivation. I am going to do Snap Fitness. It is about a minute from my house. Small. Basic. Just what I like. Oh, and I am going to cut out meat from my diet. I did this about 10 years ago, and I noticed such a difference. I hope DH is supportive....

To laugh

2009-02-24T16:25:00.001-06:00

You know those times when you start to laugh so hard you start crying at the same time? I had one of those moments today. Sometimes my students can really make me laugh. Those moments are one of the reasons why I love my job.

Witness

2009-02-23T15:15:00.002-06:00

On Sunday I had to dial 9-1-1 for the first time. Thankfully it wasn't for anyone that I love. Of course, DH keeps thinking "If we were only 10 seconds earlier" or "what if I was driving faster?". Its funny how we look at life differently when we are faced with someone else's tragedy.
We were on the access road and a SUV was coming off the freeway in front of us. He started going left, hit the curb and as a response, he pulled right too quick, and flipped. He landed upside down. I already had the number dialed before the vehicle stopped. The adrenaline rush was crazy. After left, we sat and talked about all the what ifs and the craziness of the whole situation. I have never witnessed an accident that bad before. Or had anything like that happen right in front of me.
I know it has bothered DH since. This morning he said he couldn't sleep because of it. He asked me "what if the guy died in front of us?". Yes, a bad thought. But at the same time, I told him that he just needed to be thankful that nothing happened to us. That no one else was hit. That we just needed to pray for the victim.
Sometimes God puts you in situations, not so that you can hurt and learn from it, but so that you can slow down. Take a minute in your own life and see what is important.
I definitely think he has now. At least for a little while.

Stressful times

2009-02-17T15:33:00.003-06:00

My child has totally embraced the terrible twos. When I heard people talk about it in the past, I blew it off as someone who was exagerating the work it takes to raise a two year old.

I am a total believer of the tern now.

Mady use to be so sweet. She would hop into bed. Say prayers. Give hugs and kisses. Go to sleep. Not anymore. It took two hours the other night of constant putting her back into bed, for her to finally wear herself down. I did the who "super nanny" thing where I sat in her room, did not say a word, and every time she got hout (about 150 times) I would just put her back.

This morning she did not want to get ready for school. She ran around the house screaming and yelling at me. Her favorite words are no, mine and just plain screaming. Oh, and taking her to a restaurant is not one of my favorite things to do right now either.

I sure hope this passes soon. I am standing my ground and her time out spot is getting worn, but I know that if we don't stand strong now, she will always think she is boss. I just can't believe the monster that has taken over my daughters body.

The other night I just wanted to lay down and cry. And the stress it causes, I hate it. Please God send me back my child.

Uno, dos, tres

2009-02-12T13:43:00.002-06:00

Ok, so Mady can count to 10 in spanish. She sings her ABC's perfect. I rarely have a time when I do not understand what she is saying. She doesn't just put a few words together but whole conversations. Where is she getting this? She will debate with me on things, like which cereal is better. Hmmm.... I love it but I am also scared. What if I can't keep up with her?

Immune System

2009-02-10T08:41:00.003-06:00

As I am sitting here I am listening to lockers slam and kids yelling. Wondering how I will get the energy to start my classes for the day. I will. I always do. But right at this moment I am so, so tired. Dear husband, or as I like to refer to him on here, DH, was home with the flu the last 4 days. I think my body has been fighting against any foreign invader. As a result, I am very, very tired. DH had a flu shot. I didn't. Hmmmm.... guess I was right to not spend the $25. Mady hasn't gotten anything. That is a blessing. I think that kids immune system is break through proof. As a baby she never had an ear infection and when we went to her 2 year appointment, the doctor made a comment that her folder was so thin compared to other 2 year olds. Yep, must have been all that DHA and vitamins I took when she was in utero.
The bell has rung and all my "chikadees" are just anticipating the great lesson I am going to present to them. I just know they are. They love my class.

Well, at least I can think so.

Wordless Wednesday... oh wait a minute its only Tuesday... DOH!

2009-02-03T08:30:00.001-06:00

Hulu

2009-02-02T15:26:00.002-06:00

Last night on during the Superbowl one commercial caught my attention -

Hulu...

It really works. There are tons of shows and movies. Good quality. And it is free. For now. I can seen in the future they get you hooked in and then start charging. But you can watch movies for free full lenght.

Check it out.

Right now I am watching Kitchen Nightmares.

www.hulu.com

Tuesday

2009-01-30T13:32:00.001-06:00

Check out the blog below. Reading it really makes me so thankfully that Madeleine is healthy. I can't imagine the pain this family must be going through.

Sweet Molasses

2009-01-29T20:21:00.001-06:00

* A friend of mine lost her grandmother this week. I remember this post from awhile back and thought I would repost *

She smelled like the sweet molasses that her dad put on her toast that morning. As I held her close I breathed it in and memories of times with my grandmother flooded back. The mornings in when I would waken to the smell of homemade biscuits and bacon. I miss her so much. My grandmother would be so in love with her first great grandchild. When Mady was born I could swear I felt her presence in those late night feedings. I also believe that Mady could see her. She would just stare at the wall and smile and laugh. Instead of discouragement, I would smile too.

Knowing my grandmother was watching over us.

As I held Mady that morning and rocked her to sleep, the smell of molasses in her hair, I started to understand the cycle of life. Here was the love of my life, depending on me, and I was remembering back to when I depended on my grandmother. For her wisdom, her love, her outlook on life. I reflected on Mady growing up. Of her leaving someday. Our babies are a reflection of the people in our lives. Ones that are alive and ones that have passed on. If you really look, you will see the smile of an aunt or the hands of a grandmother. Our children are a reflection of us, all of us.

Mady will never remember I held her that morning while she slept. I couldn't put her down. I wanted to hold onto those minutes for as long as I could. She is my daughter. My first born. My child. She is mine, but I hold a greater responsibility then that - she is a part of everyone that has gone before me and everyone that will come after. We really are bigger then ourselves.

But for one Sunday morning, Mady was all mine. Sweet molasses and all.

I don't know what I am trying to say

2009-01-29T13:44:00.010-06:00

Ok, so I was having a discussion with a friend today. It was about needs and wants in a relationship. He said I just need to tell my partner that is what I want to do. I told him that it wasn't that easy. Ok. The telling part is easy. You just open and say it. What is hard is the knowing nothing will change. That you dont' know what your partners response will be. That you feel like you are asking for too much.

I love getting advice from newly married childless friends. Their outlook is so positive and rosy. I don't tell them that it will all change for them too. That this too may happen to them. Why would I want to spoil the magic they have now? I do however, know, that there will be the day when they come to me with the same questions and predicaments. And have gone through it myself, I will be able to help. Hopefully. Then again, maybe I am the only hopeless, romantic wife out there who is in desparate need of some hopeless romance.

10 Things About Myself I Dislike and How I Got There

2009-01-28T13:48:00.004-06:00

10. That I don't look good in a bathing suit anymore.... lets see age, lack of intense exercise, beer and having a baby
9. My non-existence relationship with my brother.... growing up as the older sibling of a chronically ill sibling was very hard. I still hold resentment.
8. That I still miss my grandmother after 4 years.... I truely didn't get to know her as a person until she was sick and I took care of her for 3 months. We bonded and then she was gone. I miss her.
7. I am shy.... I have always been some what introverted. I want friends, I just don't know how to make them or keep them
6. I prefer to hang out with boys then girls..... see number 7
5. My yoyo appetite.... I have no idea. Probably hormonal. Probably stress. But I hate the way I will eat and snack one week, and then the next not eat anything to make up for it. Why can't I just be steady?
4. I wish I had married someone who made lots of money.... I went for my heart at the time not thinking that I would want to be a stay-at-home mom someday. Now its too late. And I feel bad about the whole sitution (resentment at the husband and guilty that I leave my daughter every day)
3. That I take things too personal.... maybe I wasn't raised tough enough. I just don't like mean and snobby people. I want everyone to like me.
2. I am not 125lbs.... hmmmm not exercising enough. not enough discipline. thinking I don't deserve too since I am a wife and a mother.
1. I don't budget or handle money well.... probably because I had to start working at 16 for anything I wanted, which didn't cover much. Now I am trying to get all the things I never had.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-01-28T07:57:00.002-06:00

Genetics show themselves once again

2009-01-26T19:56:00.001-06:00

It is night. I am working on a powerpoint presentation for my mom. Listening to my daughter in her room sing Twinkle Star. I use to sing and talk myself to sleep. Even today I have to have the radio on to fall asleep. Talk radio. She doesn't know that I do this. But, yet, she has to have some kind of noise, even if she makes it herself, to go to sleep. Genetics are showing themselves in full color.

Oh how much I love her to witness how that indeed, she is like me.

Toot Toot

2009-01-25T19:36:00.003-06:00

Dear husband got home early on Sunday and met us at a birthday party for one of Madeleine's friends. It was nice to have him participate with us and Mady was so happy. Of course, when it was time to go she wanted to go with me, which means listening to her kid CD for the 100th time this weekend.

If she comes around the mountain one more time I think I will strangle her. ("She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes" insert toot toot here)

No will power

2009-01-23T09:41:00.002-06:00

I have been in such a snacky mood lately. I see something sitting there, and I have to eat it. I am usually way better then this....

I so need to stop. Gain back my will power.

Oh wait, is that a Hersey Kiss over there........

Again

2009-01-22T15:19:00.002-06:00

I am sick. Again. I had one good week, and I am right back where I started. Miserable.

There is nothing worse than teaching all day when you feel like crap.

Twin

2009-01-20T10:28:00.004-06:00

This weekend we, or I should say I, took down Mady's toddler bed and got her a twin. I was sad at first but now I am so excited for her. She is growing up and right on track. She takes every new thing and embraces it whole heartily without hesitation.

That's my girl!

Now its time to work on potty training. Any advice from veteran moms?

Can't wait till February!

2009-01-16T11:19:00.004-06:00

Ok, so I have been praying and asking for some guidance. Yes, me praying. And I have decided come February, I am going to do at least one Saturday night out for me. I am having a positive attitude that I can find one girlfriend to hang with me. Just a girls night.

Can you believe that plane crash in New York City? When I first heard all I could think of was if that happened to me and I had Madeleine with me. What I would do to keep her safe and get her off the plane. We think differently when we become parents don't we?

Joy?

2009-01-14T08:48:00.003-06:00

Where is the joy in my life? I know, sounds like a selfish statement to make. I have a wonderful child, a job, a house to live in... why am I complaining.
Here is my life:
I wake up. Get ready for work. Wake Mady up. Somedays are easy and she gets dressed and is excited to go, other days, it can be a struggle.
Out the door we finally make it.
Drop her off. Get in the car and feel guilty because my child is being raised by other women.
Get to school. Prepare. Work. Teach. Disapline.
Leave school after a 9hr day and no adult conversation and head to pick up Mady.
Home.
Bath.
Make dinner.
Clean dinner up.
Play. Read. Say our prayers. Mady is finally in bed.
Watch an hour or so of tv.
Think of how I am going to do it again all over the next day. About why can't men handle more than one thing at a time. About how lucky Randy is. He must have so much joy.
Go to sleep.

Weekends are just chores and grocery shopping and playing with a 2 year old.

I am bored. I have no joy. I have no time for a hobbie just for me. I have no time to work out. I have no friends who call me anymore to do anything. I am just a speck on this earth who has fallen into the status quo.

They did not teach this to me in school.

Rose colored glasses - did they ever exist?

2009-01-13T15:46:00.002-06:00

The beautiful cloud and rose colored glasses have started to disapear. Did they ever exist. I love the "concept" of teaching, I hate the rude teachers, politics of parents and the endless paperwork I have to fill out on this and that. Is it summer yet?

Also, with Randy being gone every weekend I am starting to feel like I am being taken advantage of. I love my daughter, but when do I get to just go off every weekend I not worry about laundry, cleaning, nap time, dinner time, bath time and all the other endless things.

I am hating life right now.

I shall find you

2009-01-03T09:15:00.002-06:00

Ok, so I have become obsessed on finding a new purse. I spent an hour yesterday looking at the mall, only to go home without one. I thought about it last night. I am thinking about it today. I want a bucket style tote. Has to be name brand. Has to be stylish. Maybe I put all this stipulations on what I want because I probably won't find anything and then I will save the money. Then again, I am determined. I will seek out and find.

****************************************************

Its a good thing I am going back to work on Monday. Idle minds cause crazy behavior.

Shame on me

2008-12-20T14:05:00.003-06:00

Its Christmas Break! Yippy....

Ok, let me catch up...

Teaching has been great. There have been moments of discourgagement, disappointment and times of tears... but those are only rare moments.

Mady is the reason why I was born. Every day is a blessed day and I love her so much.

Randy is gone every weekend duck hunting. It makes me mad. Not because he is doing that but because he takes advantage of the fact that I have no life a so can stay home with Mady every weekend. Oh well. Karma can be a bitch.

Oh, and if you notice my ticker at the bottom - 13lbs lost...*toot toot* (thats me tooting my own horn)..Only like 20lbs to go.

I have made some new friends and cultivated older friendships. I am very picky these days on who I want in my life. I do not need self-centerness, drama and back talking in my life. Only took me age 32 to figure that out.

I think she is too young for purple eyeshadow

2008-10-27T19:20:00.005-05:00

Mady got her first and hopefully her last shiner the other day. The swelling has gone down, but not she looks like she has purple eyeshadow on.
On Sunday we got to spend some fun time with Cade and his mom while dear husband installed cabinets in her laundry room that he made.

Here she is decorating her pumpkin we got at the patch, along with a good view of her poor eye.

Pumpkin Patch

2008-10-20T18:52:00.005-05:00

I took Mady to her first pumpkin patch. She could care less about most of it. And especially about having her pic taken with mom. Oh well.

2008-10-09T19:55:00.000-05:00

Busy, busy, busy me

2008-09-01T10:18:00.003-05:00

Today my little girl will be 23 months. One more month and she will be 2 years old. I have to say, this year seemed to go by faster than the first year. STOP... I want to scream... this is going by too fast. I am loving her at this age too much. I don't want a preschooler, I want a toddler. I love the way she waddles when she runs. I love that she laughs at the stupidest things.

My first week of being a teacher is under my belt. I only cried once. Its true, your first year will be your hardest. I love the kids. THey are so funny and smart. But, I was feeling a little overwhelmed by all the books and study materials I had at my disposal. What was I suppose to teach them? This weekend I brought it all home and I know have a 6 weeks worth of lesson plans done. I know that this organization will help me tremendously. And the kids may actually learn something.

I am looking for a car at the same time. Not a new one. I only have around 8-9K to spend. Saturday my mom and I went out in the heat and looked until we just couldn't any more. I found a couple of prospects. The problem - I won't have all the funds till next week and dear husband wants to check it out. We are probably just going to have to go out in the evening and look for something. One good thing, we aren't going to have to take all the time to do the financing.

Planning Mady's 2nd birthday and I feel really way behind. I have a theme, just do not have a location or what to do. This is when I need an assistance. I wonder how much I could get for one of those? Maybe some starving college student who just loves doing other peoples errands, planning and just plain helping them keep their sanity? Anyone up for the job?

Thirsty Thursday

2008-08-21T01:00:00.000-05:00

Friend

Shadows,
haunt my brain
as I look to my
left to my right
and the only thing
I see is the black
and white of a man
who is my secruity
yet I fear
for he is the
only thing that
I call my
friend.

Wordless Wednesday

2008-08-20T01:00:00.000-05:00

I get paid for this?

2008-08-18T18:52:00.002-05:00

I had my first day today. As a teacher! It was so great and I was so excited to be there. I know, I have all the characteristics of a new teacher. No burnout here. No opinions or bitterness here. Just pure, innocent excitement. I can't believe I actually get paid to teach kids all day. Of course, they aren't being taught unless they learn, so there is pressure. Because how do they measure learning? By state test of course. I am not scared though. I love a challenge and the school has had good test scores in the past couple of years and so the school and kids must be doing something right. I have so much to do this week before the kids show up next Monday. I have a classroom to setup. I have stuff to by. I have lessons to go over. Its all good though....

(I can't believe I get paid for this!!)

I did it!

2008-08-16T08:50:00.003-05:00

Step One: Find alternative certification program - CHECK
Step Two: Pass Content Exam - CHECK
Step Three: Put together resume -CHECK
Step Four: Sent out to all local school districts - CHECK
Step Five: Interview - CHECK (tomorrow at 3pm)
Step Six: Land job! - CHECK

I did it! I start on Monday. It all started with a prayer and test and here I am. I am going to be a teacher!

I was left standing there

2008-08-15T10:09:00.006-05:00

"Open it"
"Hold on sweetie, mommy is trying to get your bag, my bag, my purse, our library books and the mail in the house. You will need to wait a minute"
"Open it" as she shoves a rice krispi treat in my face.
"Hold on pumpkin"
"Open it, open it, open it"
"Oh look who just pulled in. Maybe daddy can help"
"Daddy", as she looks his way "Mommy won't open it"
"Ah sweetie, come here, let daddy open it"
Daddy tears open the package and Madeleine is smiling ear to ear
"Thank you. Love you daddy"
"I love you to Mady. Lets go in now" dad and daughter go skipping into the house as I stand there with Mady's bag, my bag, my purse, the library books and the mail.
Hmmmm...I guess I have been replaced. I remember the days when he use to open the door for me. Wouldn't let me carry heavy things. Those days seem to be over. But, its okay because I couldn't pick a better replacement.

Thirsty Thursday

2008-08-14T01:00:00.001-05:00

Wordless Wednesday My First Haircut

2008-08-13T01:00:00.000-05:00

My First Haircut

So far so good. This Taxi car is cool

Oh, they have TV. I'm hooked

Whats the big deal?

My mom says bangs are in

The real reason I agreed to this - the lolipops

Don't you love the way it flips in the back

Checking in

2008-08-12T09:29:00.002-05:00

Not much to say here. Had a crazy weekend with a crappy teachers job fair and a car accident. We are all okay, but I can't say so much for the car. Looks like car shopping is in my future.

Be back later.

Maybe if I stay in the deep end, no one will notice?

2008-08-08T08:05:00.003-05:00

Every time we pass a pool, Madeleine screams out with joy and then cries with disappointment because we didn't stop. She loves the water.

Back in June I couldn't get her swimsuit on her. She would complain and whine and squirm away. Now, she brings it to me. On the weekends we will go to our neighborhood pool for an hour or so or head out the water park. Last night she wanted to go to the "wader", but it was getting late. I said maybe on Saturday. She cried and cried. So, I came up with one of my brilant ideas - why not do it the retro way and run through the sprinklers. She loved it! And she loved it even more being able to get water and throw it on mommy and daddy. I didn't bother with a swimsuit or swim diaper. Nope. She was only in a pair shorts and a cute bow in her hair. After about 20 minutes, she was ready to go in.

Because of this fascination with swimming, I am going to bite the bullet this weekend and wear my swimsuit to a pool party we are going to. At first I wasn't going to worry about swimming. But, I know once Madeleine sees that pool, she is going to want to be in it. Now, 2 years ago I wouldn't care about being in my bathing suit in front of my friends and strangers. But that was before I gave birth. I have gained some weight and things didn't go back to where they came from. I don't have a problem wearing my tankini to the water park, I don't feel 100% comfortable, but I don't care what people think. But for some reason, I am worrying about embarrassing my husband and myself in front of our friends. And why? Because they knew me before. They knew the me that would wear a bikini. That's not me anymore. And it doesn't help that some of them there have had kid after kid, and not one stretch mark.

Madeleine is the best thing ever and I don't want to deny her the fun of swimming because of my own fears of everyone seeing me let it all hang out. I am very open about my weight gain and my struggles with losing it. I just didn't want to literally put it all out there. Maybe if I stay in the deep end, no one will notice.

Boobs

2008-08-07T01:00:00.000-05:00

Boobs,
mounted on the chest
like a trophy
from a deer killing
for all the men
to admire and boast
about the hunt the
chase the conquer all
for the others
to come and admire
to praise to snicker
all awhile
ignoring the look
of contempt on the
face.

Wordless Wednesday

2008-08-06T01:00:00.001-05:00

Mady and her Uncle Andrew

Starting to feel my age

2008-08-05T08:50:00.003-05:00

In the past year I have started to feel my age. Finally. Before Mady was born I still got carded. I would get surprised looks from people when they finally found out my real age, with repsonses like "oh, you look much younger than that". I haven't heard that in over a year. Yes, having kids will age you, make you tired and cause wrinkles.
I have alway maintained the attitude that I don't want my kids growing up with a dumpy, old looking mom who wears shabby clothes and has short gray hair. Not me. I do try and keep my hair somewhat styled but not trendy. I haven't really shopped for me in awhile, but that is due to lack of funds and time. But, I do tend to stick with basics and I do always have cute shoes. I really do believe that your shoes and handbag can age you quick. So I don't wear comfortable shoes and I spend more for my handbags then I probably should, but I do get positive attention from them. No, I will not be THAT mom.
My husband is aging right along with me. We are early 30's. We both are professionals. We have a mortage,a car payment, and a daycare bill. We do however like listenting to Lil'Wayne and having friends over to drink beer and play games. I am not embarrassed to run around with Mady and to dance crazy to random children's song that Mady finds so exciting.
I may be feeling the back pains in the morning and seeing more wrinkles around the eyes. But - I refuse to let that hold me back from trying my hardest to be the fun, energetic "cool" mom that every kid wants. And secretly - I wouldn't go back for anything. I earned these wrinkles. One line at a time.

I can't wait till the fall season

2008-08-04T09:39:00.004-05:00

Its August 4th and I have been planning our fall activities. We have Mady's birthday party on October 4th. This is the first year she can do ballet, so I am signing her up for the classes starting October 29th. And I am seriously thinking of signing us up for Little Musicmaker. She loved it last time, but she was not yet a year old and I think didn't understand much. But now, that girl loves music and dance. In fact, yesterday we went out and bought her first "music maker", or JamBox for us that remember. It has a cd player and radio. Whenever she goes into her room, she now turns it on and starts dancing. She loves it! For her birthday, we are going to ask grandma for some kid friendly cds.
My Aunts 50th birthday is on December 23rd. We are not celebrating it then however. Her husband wants to plan something that is somewhat a surprise. So my mom and I will fly out for whatever. I am hoping its Vegas :) I would love to spend Thanksgiving with my family in Albuquerque. We went last year and had a great time. My grandmother hasn't seen Mady since then and she has changed so much.
And another important activity - potty training. We have already bought her own "toylet". She will sit on it when we are getting ready for a bath or when we are changing into pjs. I am not pushing it right now, but once she turns two, that will be our little project.
Oh, and another reason why I can't wait till fall - it won't be a 107 degrees everyday.

Are you forgetful? I hope not for kids sake.

2008-08-01T09:55:00.003-05:00

When is hot too hot? How about this weekend when its 106 degrees. Which brings up a reminder - DO NOT FORGET YOUR CHILDREN OR PETS IN THE CAR. Not to run into the store and you don't want to wake the child. Not to go get your haircut and you are using your car as a babysitter. In the last two weeks here in the DFW area we had 2 children die from being left in a hot car. One was at a daycare and another was a family that had spent the day at a local water park and after getting home they forgot the 15mo in the car. 45 minutes later, the little boy was dead.

I don't want to imagine every losing Madeleine. But even more, I could never forgive myself if from my actions, she died. The guilt these parents must feel right now. The blame. This family (they had 3 children) will never be the same. And that child had to die in a most painful way. When in a hot car, a child loses body fluids and salts through perspiration, causing heat exhaustion. If not treated immediately, heat exhaustion can lead to heat stroke, which prohibits the body from perspiring. Body temperature then rises, causing sever damage to the brain, liver, and kidneys, and even death. Your parked car is an oven. Its its 100 degrees outside, in 15 minutes it can be 140 degrees inside. Of course, it makes you wonder how many kids are left in cars by forgetful caregivers that you never hear about because its cooler outside.

An organization by the name of Kids and cars has some great tips for helping you remember to take everything with you when you get out of your car. Because you wouldn't leave your cell phone or lap top in the car. Why then your child? I have already made the decision that Mady is not ready to ride in any daycare van or go on any field trips. I don't know if she ever will be. I have also reminded grandparents the importance of this issue.

*After a shopping trip, get your kids out first before worrying about getting the door unlocked or your shopping bags in.
*Put something you know you wont forget, like a cell phone or purse, next to the child.
*Write it down on a piece of paper "Child in back seat" and post it on your car radio as to not forget
*Have a plan where you call your spouse when you drop off the child. And if the spouse doesn't hear from you, they should call to ask why.

Also a good reminder, the metal in the car seat buckles can get hot and could potentially burn. So test them before you sit your child down.

Soul

2008-07-31T09:13:00.001-05:00

Soul

A lusty body,
she wore under
clothes hiding her
genes from the boys
who turned to stare
at her corpse not
knowing that they
were losing her
more and more
to the low self
esteem inherited
from her tortured
soul.

Wordless Wednesday

2008-07-30T01:00:00.000-05:00

UPDATE

2008-07-29T14:32:00.002-05:00

Tips on how to look busy at work

2008-07-29T08:15:00.003-05:00

Work has slowed down her a lot lately. Call it summer. Call it the economy. I want to keep my job until I find a teaching position, so I have come up with a few ways to look like you are busy when in reality you are writing in your blog -

-- Get up once every hour and go to the copy room. Copy an email or a recipe from your cube mate.
-- Walk, don't call, over to your bosses desk and ask random questions. This will take some thought ahead of time on what you are asking for, but it will show to your boss you must be working on something.
-- Keep lots of paper and folders spread out on your desk. This way when someone walks by they can see that you must be busy, but not exactly what it is that is your reading.
-- When someone stops at your desk give a sigh of frustration.
-- Always have a couple of work applications open on your desktop.
-- Complain that your computer isn't working right and you are waiting for IT to call you back (this will only work if your boss has no clue on computers and you
don't work for the IT department)
-- Eat your lunch at your desk. People who are busy, don't have time to take a lunch.

The big 2-0-0-0

2008-07-28T15:27:00.001-05:00

I have 2000 hits!! Whoo Hoo...

Thanks to all of you that checks my blog out.

2008-07-28T10:41:00.003-05:00

I finished up my teacher workshops on Saturday. Tonight I am going to put my portfolio together so when I do finally get an interview, then I will be prepared with my classroom procedures and management. And more importantly it seems my teaching philosophy. The 9 days I spent in workshops totally prepared me and I feel so much more confident and looking forward to my new career. Now if I could just get the classroom to do it in.

My new friend is the Food and Exerise Journal. Its great. It has it day by day with columns for all the food intake and exercise for the day. It even has a calorie counter in the back. Along with this, I am also adding a weight loss ticker in my blog. Yep, I weight that much. I am putting it out there and not hiding from it anymore. I weight 10lbs more then I did before I got pregnant. But 10 lbs less then my pregnancy. My goal weight is 150lbs. 1-2lbs a week should yield my goal by December. My mom and I are doing a 4 week boot camp in September which should help. And I am keeping track of everything I eat. So far, I have blown 570 calories for the day. My lunch will have to be very small or all vegetables. Dinner is stir fry. Oh, and I can see how portion size really matters now.

UPDATE - I have consumed all my calories and fat for the day. So if I get hungry tonight its going to be carrot sticks or cereal. Now I see why I haven't been able to lose any weight.

Seeing the world through rosy glasses

2008-07-25T07:37:00.003-05:00

Isn't Seseme Street great... they teach kids that Monsters are good, not evil. I wonder when we decide that monsters are bad. Something to fear? Mady loves Elmo and all of his monster friends. These monsters are not human looking. They are not clean and they have these gravely voices. Yet Mady loves them all. She sings along with the songs and bobs her head. Seaseme Street monsters are safe.

At some point Madeleine will be afraid of stuff. Something will change and she will recognize fear and "monsters". I do not look forward to that day. I love that she thinks and feels that everything is good. She looks at a spider and sees a chance to pick something up and letting it crawl on her. She looks at high curbs as a chance to jump. She looks at the deep in the pool and sees a chance for daddy to dunk her in. Me - I see all of that as fear. The more she wants to try and do everything, the more fear of everything I develop. Being a parent is truely looking at the world through clear, honest glasses. Being a child is looking through the world with rosy glasses.

I do not let my fear show on my face to Mady. I do not want her to become fearful. Not yet. She has many years as a mom to do that.

Elevator

2008-07-24T05:00:00.000-05:00

Elevator opened,
the choice was mine
to go up or down or
just stand in line to
wait for the next ride to come
along that might hold
the key to my being alone
on this floor of diamond
walls and rows and rows of
glaring peep holes that
hide the stories
of people behind
closed doors.

Wordless Wednesday

2008-07-23T05:00:00.001-05:00

"Jeez mom, can you stop already. I am trying to enjoy the boat ride"

Fair and Balanced

2008-07-22T07:44:00.002-05:00

Media bias. When I was taking communication classes in college, those were two words that were not suppose to fit together. A journalist was suppose to be fair and balanced. You were not to have an opinion, unless it a opinion piece. From what I can tell, the media giants have fallen off that track. It is odvious to everyone who the media is pushing for the next President. You see Barack's face on every news magazine. The latest media bias is from the New York Times. They refused to print an op-ed piece that McCain had written on the Iraq war. A few weeks earlier Barack had written an op-ed article and this was McCain's rebuttle to it. Hmmmm...where is the balance?

How did the New York Times respond the piece - by saying "The Obama piece worked for me because it offered new information (it appeared before his speech); while Senator Obama discussed Senator McCain, he also went into detail about his own plans....It would be terrific to have an article from Senator McCain that mirrors Senator Obama's piece. To that end, the article would have to articulate, in concrete terms, how Senator McCain defines victory in Iraq."

They only want an opinion piece that mirrors Barack's? Well that wouldn't be an opinion, that would be a review of what was already written. So, if someone doesn't believe what Barack believes, then there is no room for you in their paper?

The New York Times isn't the only violator. And its a shame. These news outlets are not suppose to think for us. Are not suppose to tell us what to do. But, instead, inform us on what the facts are. What is being said. What is being done. And then leave it up to us, as individuals, to form our OWN opinions and beliefs.

Why do we do something ---- because it works

2008-07-21T08:56:00.005-05:00

Me: "Just calling in to see how things are going. My class is on a break"
Hubby: "It hasn't been very good. She has been moody all morning. The last hour she has been crying and won't tell me why"
Me: "Hmmmm... well I don't think she has the vocabulary to tell you why exactly. She is only 21 months. Have you tried asking her if she wants a snack (meaning she is hungry)?
Hubby: "I asked her is she was hungry. And she just started crying again. I swear, this kid is already pmsing"
Me: "LOL... oh honey, you don't even know. Well maybe she just wants you to play with her. What have you been doing this morning?
Hubby: "Watching tv. I made breakfast. Got on the computer. She was watching teletubbies"
Me: "Sounds to me that she is just trying to get your attention and she knows that if she starts whining or crying, that will work with you.? "
Hubby: "What is up with you girls. Why don't you just say what you want. Why do you have to manipulate men by crying and acting depressed. Well, I guess I am going to take her to McDonalds. I know that will cheer her up and she loves sharing nuggets with me. That should make her happy and not cry anymore"

Even as little girls we know how to manipulate. Why, because it works. Oh, thank goodness for daddies.

Go hug a teacher

2008-07-18T09:06:00.003-05:00

The last couple of days I have been attending training for becoming a teacher here in Texas. Since I didn't do it the traditional way (going through my college)I have joined 1000 who go the Alternative Certification way. With the program I am in, you have to attend these training seminars, of which are very helpful. What I have learned - how much teachers have to know! I have a whole new respect for teachers now. It hasn't changed my mind on my new drive for a new career and lifestyle, but it has made me really think about what kind of teacher I want to be. This has been the hardest thing I have had to do in my life. Just getting an interview has really pushed me to praying. And if you know me, I don't pray for everything. And I think the only reason why I feel this way, is because I really, really want this. And I am not going to give up. One thing I don't get, why do all these teachers go through this training and researching only to be a mean, sad, upset teacher. After all of this, you would think you would really have the heart.

I found out

2008-07-17T01:00:00.000-05:00

I found out

I found out
on a late night drive
in my winter coat
with my blood shot eyes
my faith hasn't been
a friend to me
and the way I sin
is hanging off of me

With the smell
of failure, of stale beer
from the late night cry
in the back seat
of a corvair
I watch the weeping
willow bend

Branches hanging
low seeping of tears as
if it knows the only
solution is the one
thing it fears.

Wordless Wednesday

2008-07-16T10:05:00.001-05:00

Yep, we are still beautiful with no makeup in the morning...

The happy child

2008-07-14T14:51:00.003-05:00

I am sitting here drinking hot chocolate reflecting on the weekend. What are weekends really for? For me its cleaning and laundry and grocery shopping. It is also a time that I get to spend my whole day and night with Madeleine. I try not to over compensate for the week by buying her new toys or giving into every whim, but instead, I cuddle on the couch more and I don't rush her to do things. We take our time. I want to get out the door, but its okay to take a few minutes and let her put her shoes on all by herself.

On the weekends I also try to do one fun family activity. One weekend it was the zoo. Another the park. We got passes to the local family water park, so recently it has been that. She can't ride any of the rides or play on the kiddie part, but she can sit on mommies lap as we ride around on the lazy river. She loves the wave pool and splash pads. People will tell me that she won't remember these times. That if my point is making memories, then I am wasting my money. I beg to differ. She may not remember the actual event, but she will remember the good feelings she had. I am not doing this for pictures memories, but if you, from the start, have good healthy happy moments in a child's life, they will feel this security and their brain will increase the good levels of serotonin from the feelings of happiness and enjoyment. And this will result in a happy child and hopefully a happy adult.

As a parent my main goal is to keep my child safe, learning and growing into a self sufficient responsible adult. Good, positive feelings can only help in this.

2008-07-11T15:32:00.003-05:00

I don't have much to say today. Instead I cleaned up my blog some and caught up on all the blogs I read. Lots of things I would like to comment on, but my words are not coming to me. Maybe Monday.

Body Surfing

2008-07-10T03:00:00.001-05:00

I have a collection of poetry and prose that I have written over time. I am going to use Thursday's to share and hopefully get some feedback - good or bad.

Body Surfing

Bedroom,
sheets cover lovers
as they move from
side to side
waves taking them
high and low washing
wishes up on the
beach of promise that marks
bodies with rough
sand and burnt skin
leaving lovers the
chance to swim
again.

Wordless Wednesday

2008-07-09T03:00:00.000-05:00

July 4th 2007

July 4th 2008

We are all working moms aren't we?

2008-07-08T09:56:00.000-05:00

I have known all kinds of women. Fat woman. Skinny women. Smart women. Educated women. Women who date a lot. Women who waited till they were married. Women who are moms and women who are not. We are all different women and we accept each other for who we are, but there is one issue that tends to put wedges between women - stay at home moms and working moms.

I fall into the second one. Yep, I am one of those "bad" moms whose kid spends 10hrs a day with other kids their age and someone who is not their mom. Mady's day consist of songs, story telling, painting, gluing, coloring, playing on the jungle gym, petting zoo visits, ice cream treats and lots of hugs from Ms. Kassidy. Sounds terrible doesn't it? I know what the critics will say - that a child is best at home with their parents. I can't agree more. But if I have to work, at least I found the best place possible. Mady is learning so much, that everyday when I pick her up I am surprised she is my kid with all the new words and sentences she is forming. She is also very social. She knows all the kids names and says bye to each one when we leave.

Back to the critics. I know some moms who do stay home. There are ones that have their kids involved in outside activities. They have a chart and are organized down to a tee. Have dinner ready and can budget like no other. On the flip side, I know ones that complain they have no time to clean. That it is hard to entertain all day. They feel unappreciated. They love their kids, but wonder if they made the right choice. They are bored. I feel for these moms. They are truly trying to do the "right" thing, but nothing about it feels right.

There is no easy answer to all of this. When I had to find a daycare provider, I did all the research I could. I investigated with the state. I asked a lot of questions. On her first day at Children's Courtyard, we walked in together and she acted like it was no big deal. She let go of my hand and wandered off to explore the new surroundings. And waved to me when I left. I, well I cried all the way home. I questioned if we were doing what was right. Was Mady going to hate us? Was she going to rebel in some way? What if we didn't make the right choice in places? And man did I feel guilty. Someone mentioned recently that moms are not honest enough. So let me be now - I felt guilty as hell for not taking care of my own child. For choosing a more comfortable lifestyle to mornings in the park.

It has been 7 months since Mady started there, and I don't let the guilt ruin the time that we do have together. I pick her up and we spend the evenings playing, reading and hugging. I do not let chores get in the way of our time together. Those can be done after she is in bed. Mady for the first time said "I love you" to us this past weekend. And those three words made it all just fine for now. She doesn't hate us. And for right now, it doesn't look like we ruined her life. We had to make a choice that was best for our family. And I encourage all moms out there to make the best choice for their own family, and don't let anyone steer you different. But I also encourage moms to support each other, not matter what kind of mom they are. Because we are all moms, plain and simple, how we go about it is what makes it all great. When we get down to it, we are all working moms aren't we?

Rocks and Bugs - couldn't get any better than that

2008-07-07T08:46:00.000-05:00

My weekend consisted of collecting rocks, introducing pill bugs or "polies" to Mady, lots of sweating and just enjoying the time with family. Like most 3 day holidays, we headed to the lake with the Fischer's. Dear Husbands family has a trailer and a boat, so when they get a chance, they head to a area lake. Me, I would rather go to a nice hotel with a pool, but being the sport I am, I don't complain. Plus, Mady loves it.

At school they learned all about bugs and got to see some up close and personal. So now, she sees a creepy crawler, and she has to see it up close and personal. More than once I have had to stop her from trying to pick up a spider or cockroach. Yes, cockroaches live in the woods too. What I didn't mind was holding a pill bug while she told it to "wake up polie". The technical word maybe pill bug, but I grew up calling them rolly pollies. It was like magic how it would be a little ball and turn into a crawling bug. It felt good teaching to my child.

Back to the love of the great outdoors. Mady would rather be outside then in. It didn't matter that it was 100 degrees and she was sweating like a cute little pig, the adventures were out there, and she was determined to have some. In the mornings we would go looking for bunnies. Take a bike ride where she could enjoy the breeze in her bicycle cart as mommy pedaled her around in the nice 80% humidity. Lunch couldn't come any sooner where we would sit in the nice AC. Then nap time. But, once she regained some energy, it was back outside. Where we would check out the beach or walk to the pier to see daddy come back on the boat. I didn't even try to put her to bed at 7, instead we stayed outside till we couldn't see anymore. Then we would start all over again the next day.

I love that my daughter has this as part of her life. I want her to like being outdoors. Trying new things. Having adventures. I want her to be close to her grandparents, aunts and uncles. There is more to life than hotels, shopping and television. I am just thinking that maybe we can start a new tradition - winter camping. Mommy sure could pedal a lot further when she doesn't have sweat dripping down her face.

Boat shoes are so last year

2008-07-03T09:31:00.000-05:00

I seriously have a shoe thing. I notice everyone shoes and I didn't realize this until this morning. While sitting at starbucks I happened to find a seat right by the front door. As each person walked in or out, the first thing I did was look to see what their shoes looked like. Then I would check out the person to see if the shoes fit them.

One guy was wearing jeans with a polo and sport coat. On his feet - red converse. He was in his late 50's. His shoes tell me that it isn't business all the time. Or that he just cant accept that his growing older.

A very attractive woman had this cute mary jane heels. Once I looked up I saw she had the cutest short haircut and dress on. A woman who was very sure of herself. I wish I could pull off hair like hers.

Another guy was wearing boat shoes. You know, the loafer kind that are white and tan and have that leather bow in the front. Yes, leather bow. Its tiny, yet if you really look, who really thinks they are suitable for anything, especially a boat. What says "I own a boat and I am so cool for it" like tan and white loafers with a little leather bow.

After a few observations a light bulb went off - maybe I should have been a shoe designer or even better a shoe buyer for a major store. How did I avoid this calling my whole life. At this point I am not going to quit it all to go to Italy and study with the best. So, to put my love into action, I will be the shoe buyer for my family. And I can tell you one thing - my Dear Husband will never own a pair of white and tan loafers with a leather bow in the front. That is just mean to do to your feet.

Happy Birthday Tatum Hunter

2008-07-02T03:00:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday Tatum! You are one of the most greatest women I know. Great mom, great wife and great friend. Here's to many more, and more, and more years to come. (I can't use great enough....lol)

Come Home Brooke

2008-07-01T08:59:00.000-05:00

Brooke Bennett of Vermont has been missing since last week. She is 12 years old. Last seen at a convenience store. Not to be heard from or seen. Most of us know what that means - she will not be found alive. She is not a runaway but a victim of some kind of foul play.

Her uncle is the prime suspect. And not because he was the last to see her or was the one seen on video with her. But because he is a convicted sex offender (1993) and has recently been charged with aggravated sexual assault on another family member. Let me ask - why the hell was her mom letting her hang out with her uncle to begin with?

I have a good friend that I grew up with whose brother is a registered sex offender for having child's porn on his work computer. I always vowed that when I had children and we were invited over to my friends, and her brother was going to be there, I would not A)bring my children or B)not let my child out of my sight. We owe to our children to protect them from the evils that surround us. And that includes friends and family that can do harm. And if you what the evil looks like, then you have no excuse for letting it happen.

Brooke is the victim three times. One, when her parents divorced and she had to split her time between two homes. The second time when her mother let her uncle be in her life knowing his past history, and three, of which we do not know the exact outcome, but we know that it can't be good - her disappearance. At 12 years old, I pray that she didn't have to endure too much pain. That the last thoughts in her head were not that of suffering or anguish. Her family should be ashamed. They should not be allowed to be in the custody of any other children if its proven that the uncle had anything to do with Brooke's disappearance. If you can't protect your own, then who can you be trusted to protect?

For more information FoxNews

I do have power

2008-06-30T10:51:00.000-05:00

When was the last time you cried over a friend? Let me raise my hand - it was today. I don't know maybe most of you out there have lots of great friends and you sit around and drink Cosmos. Agree with everything said and have a 100% support system. Me. Not so much.

I probably haven't always been the greatest friend ever, but I sure do try like hell. Like remembering a friends 30th birthday by going downtown to buy tickets for them, when I was a week overdue. But I knew it was a important birthday and I wanted to see that they had a present from me. Me, well I got nothing a week later for my 30th from that same friend. But I looked past that. How about when my friends became mothers and they asked or maybe it is more like whined, about hard motherhood was. Well, I had to go open my big mouth and tell them what I thought. Big mistake I found out later. In the last couple of months I have purged one friend and I feel burned by another. I have always been the type that wants everyone and everything happy - but it just makes me so unhappy. And I am too tired to be sad anymore. So, as of today, I am cutting lose all the ones that do not recipocate the friendship I think I give out.

Call me crazy. Call me what you want. I don't care anymore. I know I probably will look like I am being a bitch, or maybe even hard headed. But for once I don't care what people are going to think of me.

I know this won't make me feel 100% better right now. I am sad for all kinds of reasons that have nothing to do with this, but I do know its a start to finally becoming happy with myself.

Being proactive does gives you power. Now its time to nuture the true friendships I do want to keep.

2008-06-30T08:26:00.000-05:00

This is just an update on what's going on with us. Dear husband got a new job which starts July 14th. His job now is up on July 11th. He will be the new Sr. Asset Manager for Citi Financial. He is super excited. I am excited too. Because now I am not in panic mode to find a job with better health benefits.

I haven't had any calls for the teaching job, but I will keep sending in my resume and stuff. Something will eventually happen if I stay persistant. In the mean time I am looking for a new job. I want to make more money and be closer to home.

Mady was teething and now she is not. So, that means she is a much happier child. She always gets a cold when she is teething, and as a result, I got a cold. Nothing worse then a summer cold.

Dad is in Afganastan still. I haven't seen him since last October and it doesn't look like we will see him again till next year. I miss him so. He is my dad.

I have been feeling down lately. With the loss of friends and the realization that this is all life is about. But in a more positive tone, I also have seen who is really my friends. And the reazlization that this is all life is about. Could be way worse.

2008-06-27T08:03:00.000-05:00

Dallas Independent School District has had to make a hard choice this week - to close one of the state's lowest accountability rating - academically unacceptable - highschools in their district or keep it open. This is not the first year they have received such a low score, its the 4th year in a row.

The school wants to put the blame on the students and parents, the parents on the teachers and the teachers on the lack of resources and confidence from the school district. Its not a secret, this school is in a depressed area that has had its share of gang problems, drug problems and violence. Parents are working numerous jobs, or not working at all. Its no ideal community. But their are some ideal citizens living in it. And they came out last night to support their kids.

At the school board meeting last night it got very emotional. Students got up and pleaded with the trustees to keep their school open. Student Angelica Perez was quoted as saying "when you say you want to move Spruce, you say you're giving up on us." I am sorry Angelica, you got it all wrong - they gave up on you a long time ago.

Who is to blame for this mess? For the failure to these future tax payers, mothers, fathers and productive citizens. The whole community takes a shared responsibility. The school board builds the school, the parents send their children, the teachers teach them, and the employers of the shops and restaurants hire them. Its all a big circle. If one part of the circle breaks, the whole thing doesn't work. The whole community surrounding this highschool should be ashamed.

The school board had no choice but to take action. The State of Texas was threatening to shut the schools doors and take funding away if DISD did not take action. They did come up with a solution. The 10th and 11th graders will be split between two other highschools. Seniors will be allowed to stay and graduate. They will be taking in new ninth graders. Its a starting over solution for them. Purge and eliminate. I think its a shame. Shifting the students, or problem, as they like to call it, is not the solution. The message they are sending is that the students they are transfering, were the problem. What kind of message is that? What kind of confidence is that?

In a couple of years this highschool may be right back to where they are at today. And more than likely they will shut the doors if faced with the question again. Or maybe not. Maybe this community can stand up and rally behind their future. This could be the motivation they needed. If the parents and citizens that were in attendance last night, begging to keep the school open, uses that energy and passion to volunteer, tutor, mentor in the next couple of years, then we might have a success story.

Then again, past behavior usually predicts future actions.

For more information see Wfaa- Channel 8 News.

Holy Spirit

2008-06-26T08:42:00.000-05:00

I have a collection of poetry and prose that I have written over time. I am going to use Thursday's to share and hopefully get some feedback - good or bad.

Holy Spirit

holy,
dust covered closed minds
peer through open windows
to see kneeling little boys
bowed heads and white robes
while their father drinks of
sex and scotch through
the golden goblet
tasting wine disguised
as grape juice
with decomposed lips
that laugh at them all.

Wordless Wednesday

2008-06-25T08:23:00.001-05:00

Really honey, really?

2008-06-24T08:42:00.001-05:00

When I get home its usually around 5pm. First thing Mady and I do when we walk in, is get her a "snack". Lord help me why did I ever teach her that word. So, its either a handful of peanuts or a meringue cookie (which are the best if you need gluten free treats). Some days I can just change and sit on the chair and relax. Mady will join me. She has had a busy day full of learning and playing. I try and convince her that she needs a 20 minute rest as well. But nope. Most days she is whiny and pulling on me, because she wants all my attention. I don't blame her. She misses us all day.

As I cook, we bring in her stool from the bathroom so she can help me. She seems to love the idea of cooking and understands that is where dinner comes from. So she will help me put the veggies in the pot after I cut them up or help me stir. Then we set the table and get drinks and plates ready. This is about when Daddy gets home. Yep, he gets to come home and have all the fun and glory with Mady. I get all the work. Because if I am not cooking dinner, she is getting a bath.

Last night,after we ate, Randy did the man thing. He totally thought what he was doing was way more important then what I was handling, and decided he needed my full attention right then. I am in the middle of cleaning up dinner while a 20 month old clung to my leg whining because I wouldn't give her a cookie. What does dear husband do - runs for the hills, maybe not the hills, but the closest thing to it - the backyard. With his belly full he left the chaos I call after dinner and decided to finish staining our back patio. Don't get me wrong, I love the stain and it needs to be finished, but don't call me over to see your great handy work, when you know I am in the middle of cleaning dishes and consoling a child who desperately needed a bath and a hug. Why do men do that? Are they really that blind? Hmmmm... and then he was upset I wasn't jumping for joy over his work. Really?

I have already told him that he is making dinner tonight. I realize that I am not a bad wife or mother just because I give up the reigns for one night to spend an hour or so with my daughter. These are the moments I want Mady to remember. That her mom sat on the floor with her and stacked up blocks, just so she can knock them down. That her mom can let go. Let go and let someone take care of her for a change. A lesson every girl needs to learn.

Sweet Molasses

2008-06-23T09:14:00.000-05:00

She smelled like the sweet molasses that her dad put on her toast that morning. As I held her close I breathed it in and memories of times with my grandmother flooded back. The mornings in when I would waken to the smell of homemade biscuits and bacon. I miss her so much. My grandmother would be so in love with her first great grandchild. When Mady was born I could swear I felt her presence in those late night feedings. I also believe that Mady could see her. She would just stare at the wall and smile and laugh. Instead of discouragement, I would smile too. Knowing my grandmother was watching over us.

As I held Mady that morning and rocked her to sleep, the smell of molasses in her hair, I started to understand the cycle of life. Here was the love of my life, depending on me, and I was remembering back to when I depended on my grandmother. For her wisdom, her love, her outlook on life. I reflected on Mady growing up. Of her leaving someday. Our babies are a reflection of the people in our lives. Ones that are alive and ones that have passed on. If you really look, you will see the smile of an aunt or the hands of a grandmother. Our children are a reflection of us, all of us.

Mady will never remember I held her that morning while she slept. I couldn't put her down. I wanted to hold onto those minutes for as long as I could. She is my daughter. My first born. My child. She is mine, but I hold a greater responsibility then that - she is a part of everyone that has gone before me and everyone that will come after. We really are bigger then ourselves.

But for one Sunday morning, Mady was all mine. Sweet molasses and all.

All Summer Long

2008-06-20T10:38:00.000-05:00

All Summer Long... Kid Rock

Why do I like this song so much? When it comes home I turn it up and I sing along. Crazy, I say, Crazy....

"And we were trying different things
We were smoking funny things
Making love out by the lake to our favorite song
Sipping whiskey out the bottle, not thinking 'bout tomorrow
Singing Sweet home Alabama all summer long
Singing Sweet home Alabama all summer long"

My body is a temple

2008-06-20T09:13:00.000-05:00

My kid got her first shiner. Poor thing. And it was all on her own. She was running, and being just like her mommy and not so coordinated, she tripped over herself and hit her eye on the edge of the bookcase. All of this happened at school, so I was not there to comfort her. Good thing the teachers love on her just as much as I would. Poor thing. Her whole brow over her right eye is swollen. Looks like she has been out boxing.

When I was about 6 years old, I was chasing another kid at my daycare and she ran outside. Just as she shut the door, my head came in contact with it. I walked outside with blood pouring down my face and I think the teacher about had a heart attack. I had to have a couple of stiches in my forehead.

Things happen. Kids get hurt. It just is terrible when it happens to your own. You want them to never experience pain or discomfort. In reality, we as humans only have our skin to protect us and we are very fragile. We tend to not treat our bodies like they are - eating too much fat, sugar and salt. Not exercising. Smoking. Drinking. And then when something happens we get remorseful. We are definitly not a society of prevention, but rather one of reaction. Our healthcare system is based on treating rather then educating. Until we all start to treat our bodies as temples, we can expect to keep aquiring scars.

Mady will recover and hopefully never remember her first shiner. Me on the other hand is reminded every time I look at the scar on my forehead, that I am breakable.

Everyone Wants to be a Big Rock Star

I don't know if I want to get to know me either.

Better as a Memory

Existence

On a bed

The Teacher Applicant

Wireless

Another blog

Far away for far too long

Shame

Things

Disco Ball

So far I have survived

Digital Pictures

Teetor-Totter

White Sheets

Almost

Thunder

Power

Welcome to the Ledge

Desire

Waterboarding

"The Day"

Wordless Wednesday

Goal

Good news

Being left behind

No meat please

To laugh

Witness

Stressful times

Uno, dos, tres

Immune System

Wordless Wednesday... oh wait a minute its only Tuesday... DOH!

Hulu

Tuesday

Sweet Molasses

I don't know what I am trying to say

10 Things About Myself I Dislike and How I Got There

Wordless Wednesday

Genetics show themselves once again

Toot Toot

No will power

Again

Twin

Can't wait till February!

Joy?

Rose colored glasses - did they ever exist?

I shall find you

Shame on me

I think she is too young for purple eyeshadow

Pumpkin Patch

Busy, busy, busy me

Thirsty Thursday

Wordless Wednesday

I get paid for this?

I did it!

I was left standing there

Thirsty Thursday

Wordless Wednesday *My First Haircut*

Checking in

Maybe if I stay in the deep end, no one will notice?

Boobs

Wordless Wednesday

Starting to feel my age

I can't wait till the fall season

Are you forgetful? I hope not for kids sake.

Soul

Wordless Wednesday

UPDATE

Tips on how to look busy at work

The big 2-0-0-0

Seeing the world through rosy glasses

Elevator

Wordless Wednesday

Fair and Balanced

Why do we do something ---- because it works

Go hug a teacher

I found out

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday My First Haircut